curlygirl's Cancer Blog
August 19, 2008
| A Hard Lesson | Views: 1131 |
That’s right, I have still not heard about my Oncotype Dx test, so I’m still waiting for a treatment plan. The good thing about all this waiting is that I’ve had a lot of time to think about things. First, I’ve decided that it’s better to be frustrated with waiting than to be really, really sick, so I should try to focus on how fortunate I am to have drawn the easy card from this cancer deck. Second, I’ve had plenty of time to come to terms with the fact that I might need chemo. It would not be my favorite thing in the world, but I’m not so petrified of it as I was a few weeks ago (we’ll see how I feel if I actually need it, though). And last, I’ve started to learn about the different varieties of strength we all have within us.
A while ago (more than a year, now, I think), a friend told me that her yoga teacher said that we should all remember that there are postures we can do now that we will not be able to do later in our lives. Now, of course, this is a pretty obvious observation and the intention was to keep her students from placing too much importance on what physical postures they can and can not do. I, however, freaked out at this suggestion. I literally felt like I’d been punched in the stomach and I believe I actually said “No!” out loud. Hmm. What was that about?
So, last week I went back to classes at the yoga studio where I normally study and I started to explore this question. I’ve been practicing a little at home, so I have a sense of what I can and can’t do in class, and I can’t go back to my intermediate practice right now, because it simply requires too much from the muscles around my surgery area, which are still healing up. So I went to a beginner’s class. It was a wonderful class, and it did help me to further explore what range of motion is safe for me right now. Unlike in my home practice, where I can just skip postures that I might have to modify, this class really pointed out to me where my weaknesses are and, even though I know these weaknesses are temporary and not a reflection of any character flaws, it was hard to witness them. I have always put a great value on being strong and I have very little tolerance for weakness, so this was pretty upsetting.
On Saturday, I would normally go to a very challenging 2-hour+ class and I have been missing it so much! I knew I couldn’t do that class safely, though, so I went instead to a yoga/pilates fusion class at the beginner/advanced beginner level. What a find! It had just enough yoga that I got my fix and I got to work on some range of motion and a little strengthening so the muscles around my surgery area won’t atrophy, but most of the class focused on core strengthening, which not only did not bother my surgery area, but is also something I could really use! By the end of class, I was feeling great and looking forward to spending some time focusing on building strength in a new way.
All this got me thinking about what strength really is. I’ve always been very body-focused when it comes to my own self-concept and I’ve defined myself by what I can do, physically. I was a dancer and now I’m a yogini and I feel best about myself when I’m physically fit and strong. When I’m not, I feel adrift. This is a very powerful force in my mind. Honestly, I’m not really that weak right now, but the slightest deviation from my norm throws me off balance, mentally. Thinking about this on my way home from yoga on Saturday, I realized that, yes I do have to favor some particular muscles right now. And yes, that means that I’m not able to do as much as I normally can. And I suppose I’d define that as weakness (temporary, though it is). But what I’m realizing is that this blip in my record of physical strength is not affecting my mental or spiritual strength. In fact, my mental and spiritual strength have improved since my diagnosis and surgery. I just haven’t noticed it because I haven’t been placing enough value on those varieties of strength.
I’ve been feeling very guilty lately about how irritated and whiny I’ve been about waiting for my treatment plan. I know that others are literally fighting for their lives and I’m simply not that sick. I’ll have my treatments and move on with my life. In the context of all this thinking about strength, I’ve realized that we all have our own challenges and, along with those challenges, our own lessons to learn. I do not know what others’ lessons are, but I think a big lesson for me in all of this is that I am not defined by my body. I am its caretaker, but it is not who I am. My real strength lies within. I have said that many times throughout my life, but it’s finally starting to sink in and it gives me a feeling of having a strong foundation under me. What a gift, huh?
12.17.08 - 
Auntie Carole 
Thanks for your support -
The revelations that come from hardship and trial, are often, the sweetest and most blessing. I am glad to hear you have found such strength.
Blessing
Mac
These little wonders…
I am constantly amazed at the new strengths I discover every day. It gives us peace in this horrible storm.
XOXOKathy, you are amazing. I think it is perfectly natural to be frustrated about waiting for your plan, and I admire your patience and willingness to focus on other things (like the nature of strength) while you wait. If it were me I’d be punching people in the head left and right by now, which would, of course, be completely pointless and not help anything or anyone. That probably wouldn’t stop me though! So I admire your restraint, and ability to shift your focus. You are an inspiration!
Punching people’s heads in my mind for you (ok, ok, I’m also sending love and compassion out into the world, but specifically to you),
k
Hi, Kathy.
I just finished reading every one of your posts. I totally understand the waiting game is hard, but I think you are being very patient and well together.
Yuyu
I myself have become very moody and agitated, I seem to find myself snapping for now reason at all and then feeling badly apoligzing for acting that way! I swear it has to be our emtional states that the “C” word brings along with everything else, but we are fighter and we will get thru this with the love and support from our friends and fammily here and at home! Life is to short as it is not to live it to the fullest Cancer or not!
And BTW I am sorry, I did not read your cancer type on the side line until now, you do fall under the trial…so if all else and the insurance fails to want to pay for the oncotype DX testing join in the trial if your treatment relays on it…you can always drop out at any time and get what other help you may feel or your doctors feel you need…at least this way the test will be paid for you will know the reacurrance score and can go from there…God Bless and Good Luck you will be ok not matter the out come!
See how having this “c” word thing bouncing around in your head keeps one mind spinning like a tilt a whirl, I seem to forget alot of things these days so hence why another post one right after another…thank goodness I am able to laugh at myself…but I have to number where the oncotype DX testing is done it is in Califorina if need be I can get you their number and perhaps you can find out what the hold up is, mine was back in the two week wait between office visits!