curlygirl's Cancer Blog
July 22, 2008
| The waiting is the hardest part. | Views: 868 |
Now that the euphoria of the great news from my pathology report has worn off, I’m feeling a little frustrated at all the waiting I have to do before I know what my treatment plan will be. I’ve been certain that I will just have to do radiation and hormone therapy, but chemo is still a possibility. I’ve avoided thinking about it as much as I can, and now I’m starting to feel like, if chemo is part of the plan, so be it. I’m strong and healthy. I can do this. Of course, I’d prefer to skip chemo altogether, but if I can’t, I can’t. I just want to know! Next Wednesday (my first oncology appointment) seems so far away right now.
Argh! Adjusting to this new life in which I spend so much time waiting to know what’s going to happen to me is really starting to get to me. When I think about it, we never really know what’s around the corner, whether we are ill or not. Now that I have a diagnosis, however, the illusion of control that I normally have in my daily life has been taken away. I have been able to let go and just flow with this for a couple of weeks, but now I’m really, really ready to know what the plan is.
I went back to work yesterday. It went well. I have such a great group of colleagues! I’m so fortunate. It was nice to be back in my usual routine and have something productive to do that doesn’t cause me to exhaust myself. I’ve started to have some pain in the muscles surrounding the area where my surgery was done, so it’s good for me to be busy with work at my desk, rather than at home fighting the urge to weed the garden or clean the basement!
So for now, I’ll try to be grateful for this in-between time when I can pretty much just live my normal life for a little while. I have no idea what treatments will bring, but I can be pretty sure what my day at work will bring! Ah, wonderful, lovely, predictable routine. I gotta love it!
10.14.08 - 
Auntie Carole 
Thanks for your support -
It’s good to see you back at work. I think people, colleagues and friends, breathe easier having seen you. You exude such strength and calm – you might not feel that way, but it is so clear. I hope no one says anything insensitive to you – people can feel awkward sometimes and just the wrong words tumble out. We all love you.