curlygirl's Cancer Blog

July 13, 2008

My body’s turn to speak

Views: 927

So yesterday, with the anesthesia finally worn off and knowing that I was out of the woods and with my heart and spirit cozy in their bubble of safety, it was finally time for my body to have its say about all of this. I woke up yesterday all excited because I knew I’d get to take a shower and get rid of that surgery smell. I got up and started tidying the house (just a little!) and folding laundry while Tim went out for groceries. By the time he came back, I was tired! It seems like there are two kinds of energy: one that is connected to the mind and what you want to do and the other that is connected to the body and what you physically are able to do. Since I’ve always been active and healthy, I have never really noticed that these two energies are separate, but it has been very clear to me for the last two days.

I rested for a while, then the Great Moment of Cleanliness was upon me. I went into the bathroom, assuring Tim that I’d be fine, brushed my teeth, undressed, and then I stood there looking at those bandages. Suddenly, I couldn’t move. In fact, I could barely breathe. I still don’t know what I was afraid of (scary-looking incisions? the potential for disfigurement? just general uncertainty about what was happening to my body?) but I could not take off those bandages.

Tim must have been listening to be sure I was ok, because he called up after a couple of minutes and I had to ask him to come up and take off the bandages for me. It was one of the few times through all of this that I cried. Of course, Tim was wonderful—-sensitive, steady, and strong. As he took the bandages off, he described to me what the incisions looked like. It helped ease my fears and I was finally able to look. I have to say, for what that area has been through, it looks pretty darn good! With The Reveal safely behind me, I finally got in the shower and got myself clean.

And now the days are just about healing. I am starting to be able to acknowledge that my body is tired and sore and needs some TLC from me. It’s hard to resist “just” folding the laundry or emptying the dishwasher (the post-op care sheet did say to move my arm and resume “light lifting” within a few days!), but I’m trying to apply to this situation a guideline that I use in my yoga practice. That guideline is, “practice today so you can practice again tomorrow,” meaning, basically, if you hurt yourself now, you won’t get to have fun later. If I keep this in mind, can help avoid interfering with my healing and I’ll be back to my usual activities soon. It’s a good thing, too, because the weeds in my garden are not giving me a reprieve and it’s getting messy out there…

Posted on July 13, 2008 at 2:59 PM by Kathy ( My body’s turn to speak, 3 comments)